Reasons He's Not That Into You

How I wish that I would listen to the voice inside my head. Sometimes it whispers, sometimes it uses the inside voice, at other times it's the outside, impatient voice, begging me to listen. But I can be death at moments, stubborn, or purely foolish.

And at the end, it is me and that voice. Talking to each other. I'm not surprised. I'm saddened and disappointed.

Here's what the voice has been telling me - he's not that into you. Let it go.

* He spends more time with everyone other than you

* When you say "I'd better go," he says "ok"

* He'd hiding the relationship from his friends

* He doesn't talk to you about his feelings

* When you leave late at night and drive home, he doesn't call to make sure you got in safely, nor does he ask you to call him

* He doesn't tag you in his facebook posts (couldn't resist this one)

* In a month of seeing one another, you don't have a single photo of the two of you together

The signs I missed:

* He said "I don't know what I'm looking for"/"I don't know where I am now"

* Not feeling safe/secure to call him just to say "hello" and see how his day was without feeling the possibility of forcing myself on him

* Having monologues instead of conversations. Feeling empty and unsettled

Recommended Reading: Rachel Greenwald's "Have him at hello"

My recommended that I read this book. Before heading out to B&N or the library, I decided to do some digging on google and came up with this excerpt. You let me know what you think.

Have you ever thought about what kind of first impression you make on the telephone? It's been on my mind since I hung up the phone yesterday with a guy who called to interview me. I thought afterwards, "Yuck, I didn't like him..." Of course we'd never met, only exchanged words through the receiver for about 15 minutes. But it got me thinking: why didn't I like him? Would he be different face-to-face? Maybe there's a disconnect between his phone manner and his live personality.

But whatever the perception versus the reality, I think phone charisma is something you should master if you want to be successful in life (and especially in love). Too often someone can get a negative impression about you from what you say (or don't say) on the phone. They can't see your body language or facial expressions, which might lead to false assumptions about what type of person you are. Whether you're chatting with someone for business or personal reasons, you should always "give good phone."

After a ten-year dating research study where I interviewed more than 1,000 single men (and women) for my new dating book, "Have Him At Hello," I've identified 8 simple tips. As a matchmaker, my perspective is obviously the dating arena, but regardless of whether you're single or married, these guidelines will help you shine on the phone to make a great first impression:

Use a Land Line whenever possible. There's nothing more irritating than spotty reception and always saying, "What? Sorry I couldn't hear you...."

Be aware of your tone: Always use a cheerful voice, even if something he says annoys you, or if you've had a bad day. People are drawn to an upbeat vibe.

Give intentional responses: If the other person says something vague such as "How are you?", remember that is usually not an inquiry about your health or your mood. In the early stages of getting-to-know-you, everything you say is used to project what type of person you may be. "How are you" is actually a Rorschach test! Use that vague question to give an intentional response and share something about yourself that you deliberately want someone to know. For example:

1. He says, "How are you?"
   You say, "I'm great! I just returned from an exhilarating run in Central Park with my best friend from college."

   What does that tell him about you, even if it's subconscious? It says you are fitness oriented (you run), you're the type of person who has sustainable relationships (you've maintained a friend for 20 years since college), and you're an energetic, positive person (I'm great! The run was exhilarating!)."

   Obviously don't make anything up (i.e., don't say you went running if you really didn't), but proactively think of something positive about yourself that you want the other person to know, even if he asks a vague question.

Find a "conversation bridge": Find a bridge to help you learn more about him, based on the last thing you said ("So, what kind of exercise do YOU like?" or "How about YOU, do you have some college friends you still spend time with?"). Everyone likes talking about themselves.

Be fun: If there's a lull in the conversation flow, try to be fun and spark some banter, which makes someone enjoy talking to you. Pick a neutral, third party topic, and make a comment (or ask a question) about it. For example, "Hey, did you happen to see Letterman last night? He did the Top Ten Reasons for things overheard waiting in line to see Avatar.... Guess what #1 was?" Asking a person to guess something is a great way to keep conversation interesting. (Avoid boring questions such as: How was work? Was the traffic bad?).

Flatter him: Make someone feel good about himself by acting happy that he called, and be sure to give positive feedback on his conversation skills. For example, tell him, "I had a rough day at work, but your call cheered me up!" or "Oh, that's an interesting question!"

Know when the party's over: End the conversation quickly when you sense the energy level drooping. But blame it on an external factor rather than sounding bored. For example, "Oh, I have to walk my dog now, he's scratching at the door... I'm so sorry, I was really enjoying talking to you. Let's speak again soon!"

What Never To Do: While talking on the phone, never chew food or gum, nevernever multi-task while you're on the phone by checking email, loading the dishwasher, etc. (give someone your full attention: it makes a huge difference!) go to the bathroom or flush a toilet, even if you mute the phone (don't risk a mute malfunction!), and and never multi-task while you're on the phone by checking email, loading the dishwasher, etc. (give someone your full attention: it makes a huge difference!)

My First Proposal

How exciting!
This is his first email to me:

How are you? I hope that everything is great with you.My name is NAME and I live on STREET Ave.
First of all,I want to talk honestly, frankly,and directly about what I want.I live in an apartment alone,and I am
a graduate student.Thus,I am looking for stability,consistency,and compatibility with someone who cherishs and respects these emotions like you.Moreover, I read your profile very carefully,and I found that we share the same interests and morals.Clearly,I need someone to share my life with,and I want to marry you.I will provide everything that belongs our daily life from accommodation to food, and you do not have to worry about anything.
I know this will be surprising for you,and you do not know me very well;however,I want you to give me a chance,and I will prove that to you.

Respectfully,
NAME

We're going to go shop for rings tomorrow! Wish us luck

The Softer Side of Cheating: Part III

I must be on the roll, because I keep on thinking of more signs/clues.
One time when we were at dinner and having one of those conversations, I asked him if he was seeing someone else.
His reply: "not at the moment".
As in "not while I'm sitting here, having dinner with you"?

The Softer Side of Cheating: Part II

How could I forget?
We never became facebook friends!!! That should've said it all :)

The Softer Side of Cheating

I've always considered myself lucky - as far as I can tell, I have never been cheated on by any of my ex boyfriends. But as I lay in bed a few nights ago, I was thinking about the last person I dated and about the way things ended...and slowly, but steadily, a very uneasy thought creeped into my mind - I wonder if he was cheating on me.

There might have been clues all throughout our dating that perhaps I chose to ignore, or maybe I'm just reading too much into things now, looking for a possible explanation. Either way, here are a few potential give aways that your cyber mate might be seeing someone else:

Mr. Spontaneous: the first time we talked on the phone, he suggested I'd meet him in about 30 minutes for his morning coffee. Now, I'm more of a planner than an average girl, and I was in the middle of something, so we made plans for the next day. But playing the Spontaneous card has certain advantages, doesn't it? It allows him to fit you in his schedule whenever it is convenient to him, while you might be romanticizing and thinking that he just wants to see you right away and has no time to make plans for the future.

Mr. Let Me Text You: there's a whole list of problems that are associated with texting (more on that later), but in this case, there were occasions where instead of a conversation, I would get a text, especially later at night. It would always bother me, and I'd bring it to his attention on numerous occasions. But the behavior never stopped. The texts would inform me that he was busy/tired/occupied and we'd talk the next day. What a nice and simple way to cut someone off without bringing much attention to it if he was in case seeing someone else.

Disappearance Act: I must admit, while seeing him, I didn't want to be seeing anyone else or be involved on match. It was my decision, and I stand by it. But from time to time, I'd log back into the website to check his activity level. One day, his profile disappeared. It was nowhere to be found. Normally, that would signal a positive move in the relationship - why would he want to be on match when he already found me, right? (Ha ha ha!) But in this case, his disappearance wasn't discussed. Later on, he has also disappeared from gchat.

The Way Things End: and finally, there was an end. Things just ended. Abruptly, without any explanations, reasons, or conversations. There was no fight, no argument. In fact, we had plans to see each other on the weekend. That's when yet another set of lame text messages from my Mr. arrived. This time, I decided not to follow up, thinking (deservingly) that the least he could do was call. The call never came, I never heard from him. The interesting thing is, I knew things wouldn't work out. That little shy, but persistent voice in my head was talking to me, whispering. Perhaps, I should've listened earlier.

And here's a kicker, when presented with my ideas, my dear sibling said to me "perhaps he wasn't cheating on you. perhaps he was cheating on someone else with you"

Do I Know You?

One of my reasons for joining match is to meet people that I would not otherwise meet in real life. But from time to time, while browsing through matches, I come across profiles of people that I recognize (mostly from my social activities/hobbies). Some I'm surprised to see, some not so much. At times, I click on their profiles out of pure curiosity to see what they have to say.

So I suppose I wasn't that surprised when I got an email in my match inbox from someone that I've met before. What did surprise me, however, that this individual had no idea who I was.

Which made me wonder...
A. Do people not pay attention to me when they meet me?
B. Do I look totally different in my profile photos?

Thou Shalt Not txt

Remember the good old days when people didn't have cell phones? Back then, if you were trying to avoid talking to a person, but still wanted to appear gentleman-y and as someone who calls ("oh, i called, now the ball is in your court"), you would call them during the hours when they wouldn't be at home and leave some lame message on their answering machine. Those were the days!!!

Then came pagers and cell phones and people became chained. No longer do they have an excuse of calling during unreachable hours and leaving a message. So what do you do instead? Apparently, the answer is text! You practice your mad typing skills, while punching in some non-discrete and grammatically incorrect message, just to send it out there into the universe. Why have a conversation, right? Who has the time?

"What is the problem with texting?" you might ask. "It depends!" is the answer. Surely, text messaging is great when you want to let someone know that you are running 5 minutes late, or need an address, or maybe just want to say good morning.

But in general, text messages are impersonal. They shouldn't be your main mode of communication. And frankly, text messages send the wrong message.

Here are a few favorites from my personal phone:

"Cold as ice, or better yet heartless" - quite poetic,
"I think I love you, correction, I know I do" - sent after midnight, the only message this text message is saying "I had too much too drink"

So the next time you're reaching for your phone, try something new or forgotten. Dial the person's phone number. Hear their voice. Make them giggle and smile.

The Answer to My Prayers

Perhaps there's something to the whole Secret movement...you know... the Universe is listening...the law of attraction (aka your thoughts attract the reality...what you think will happen).

Remember, some time ago I wrote about profile names? Well, guess what I got yesterday? I got a wink from "City"Jesus. I'm not even kidding! Except in his case, Jesus would be pronounced as Hey-sus, not Gee-sus, but nonetheless, I thought it was funny.

So, since the Universe is obviously listening and paying attention to what I'm saying/thinking/writing, I thought it'd be only appropriate to write out a list of some characteristics I'm looking for (in no particular order).

Single, straight, male. Emotionally available. Honest, sincere, upfront. Kind, thoughtful, smart, intelligent. Sense of humor, on a dry side, with understanding of sarcasm. Tall. Open minded (I have to be careful with that one...I've met some people who were open a little bit too much for my comfort). Passionate about travel, food, art, music. Wants family and children. Free from addictions. Comfortable, but not settled. Strong. Mutual attraction, respect, and adoration. First letter of the last name is in the top half of the alphabet.

My First Google Search

Whoop hoop! I've got to say, it's quite exciting to know that people read this blog. As far as I know, so far, it's been primarily my friends and acquaintances who have read the blog (except for some random guy Ted who has kindly left a comment on a previous post - thanks, Ted!).

So, imagine my surprise tonight, browsing through my sitemeter information, when I noticed that one lucky person got to my blog, all the way from England, by googling "Famous Dating One Liners." Hope you come back and spread the word all through England. Put a pot of tea on, smear some jam on your scones and biscuits and keep on reading.

Dating Math Part 2: Division

This math lessons comes thanks to the Weak Bladder Dude. It was our first meeting. He asked me out. I said yes. We met at a restaurant, he was a bit late, but apologized, blaming bad traffic. Not a big deal.
We proceeded to the bar area and ordered a round of drinks. Next, came the 101 questions of why/when/what that made me feel like I was part of a secret match.com survey that I didn't know about. I understand that the first meetings are meant for two people to get to know each other, but perhaps if you can't talk about something other than match.com itself, it's a bad sign, eh?

So alright, we chatted, it was kind of clear that it wasn't a match, but that's not a reason not to be polite. So we continued to make small talk while I sipped on my drink and he ordered another one. The conversation went downhill, we both started gazing around for our waitress, and I even attempted to pay attention to a football game broadcasted on one of the large screens.

Ah, the waitress finally came by with the check. And that's when the dude looked at me and said the magic words "Let's split this". Now, don't get me wrong, I don't believe that men have to pay all the time, I really don't. But perhaps, when they are asking you out the first time, and all you have is one measly drink, it is ok for them to get it? But this was clearly not the case.

"Ok," I said, pulling out my credit card. Why I didn't take out cash and ran away right then and there, I don't know (perhaps I am a masochist). So there we were, sitting, waiting for the waitress to come by and get our credit cards. When she did finally get to our table, the dude said once again the magic word "split." Here's when we finally get to our math lesson of the day. Get your pens and paper ready.

Splitting, implies an equal division of total amount between the parties, for the equal amount of consumption. Let's look at this in math terms. If total consumption is x and total amount is t, then each party will owe t/x, once again assuming that each consumed the same amount. But since in our case my consumption was 1, and his was 2, I was quite puzzled why he thought that I would want to pay for his half of the drink. And I have to say, math is not a strong subject for all, I understand, but the dude was well educated, so I do think he was capable of doing elementary math.

So as I handed my credit card to the waitress, we locked our eyes, woman-to-woman, and I clearly and loudly announced "Please put my drink on my card, and he can pay for the rest."

All it Takes is One Month

Here's a little bit of current events. In the news: Khloe Kardashian gets married to her boyfriend of one month! Hooray - this just goes to show that love, marriage, long-time commitment and serious relationship don't have to take a long time - in fact, who says that there's a timeline for love?

Thanks Khloe for giving us hope! Did you notice that she did not even date her bf, now her husband, for a whole month and then planned the wedding. She managed to meet, date, fall in love, get engaged, plan the wedding AND get married in o-n-e month. And with two, not one, personal Vera Wang dresses. Khloe, you are my hero! Just think, a month from now, I could have my dream wedding....

...wait...I never wanted to have a winter wedding...I'm still holding on to the idea of peonies and lilacs for my wedding flowers (which means late spring, early summer)...must wait till spring and then jump into my own one-month-dating-turn-wedding relationship

Famous One Liners

Over the years of dating, I've collected quite a few one liners. Some are funny, some shocking, but all are unforgettable.

Scenario - after the first meeting, on the way out of restaurant.
The dude: "I would love to walk you to your car, but I really need to use the bathroom."

The end.

Be Kind Rewind *or* Say "No Thanks"

Alright, so it's inevitable that not everyone on match clicks, connects, falls in love (or at least in like) with every single person. It's ok. It happens (in fact you want it to happen, so when you do meet the person that you like and who likes you in return, you'll know to recognize it as special and rare occurrence and will treat it as such) .

So you are on match, you look, you read the profile, or browse the photos, maybe scroll down to the income/education part - whatever your priorities are. You like what you see, perhaps overlook a few things that surely you could change/improve with your winning personality and can't-reject-smile, and then you wink, or if you are very brave, email the person. And then you wait.

An hour? two? several? How long does it really take for him to email you back? You sulk for a few days, repeatedly clicking on the person's profile, trying to figure out when's the last time they logged on match. Have they received your wink? Have they seen your email? Perhaps they are not even paying for a match membership (what was that income bracket again?) and can't read your original, funny, and witty message. What's a girl to do?

Serious obsession, short loss of breath, and panic attacks are likely to take place. We might send your profile to our girlfriends for a line-by-line analysis, looking for a single clue that will make everything clear to us - because surely, it is just impossible that you don't like us, right?

Guys!!! Spare us, please! I know that sometimes, no answer is the answer. But why not take an extra second and click on the magical "no thanks" button so thoughtfully provided by match? If you so wish, you could even let us know exactly why you don't like us. Either way, it is a pretty clear indication to us that we are not meant to be, and to move on to the next profile. So, be kind, click "no thanks."

Dating Math

A long, long time ago, probably back in elementary school, I was taught the rules of rounding. Remember? If the number is 0.5 or larger, you round up, so a 5.6 becomes a 6. But if a number is 0.4 or less, you have to round down - a 7.3 becomes a 7. Brings back memories, huh?

Well, apparently, the simple laws of math are lost on many. Enter dating math. Let me explain. One of the profile characteristics you fill out on your match profile is your height. "Shockingly" match asks you for your height in feet and inches, therefore, supposedly, not leaving room for any rounding up (why would you want to round down, right?). So a guy who is 5-foot-6-inches tall, can't magically become a 6-foot fellow, correct? Ah!!! But a 5-foot-6-inch guy, somehow becomes a 5-foot-10-inch guy. How might you ask? Dating math!

Here are my thoughts. Lying is a bad idea period. Lying about something as obvious as your height is plain stupid. Do you think that we won't notice that you are 2-4 inches shorter than you claim? Perhaps you think that we might forget that we are wearing 1-2-3- inch heels, or maybe it's your lucky day and we are wearing flip flops or ballet slippers. You wish!

In reality, some of us, or at least I do, pick out our shoes according to your height. Personally, I'm not a fan of towering over my date. So imagine my disappointment (in your height and your integrity) when I show up on our date (aka meeting) and you are much shorter than you claim.

So guys, please, be honest. Say how tall you really are, not how tall you think you need to be in order for us to go out with you.

And on a separate note, I just bought a pair of 4" wedge sandals, so I'm looking for my 6-foot-tall guy (no dating math here).

I'm Not Looking for a Pen Pal

Dear men, it is a pleasure to meet you on match and exchange emails, it really is. Some of you are funny, witty, intelligent and captivating. I love that some of you spend an extra minute or two to use spell check and write with proper punctuation and even use a paragraph form. It's truly delightful.

However, I did not join match looking for pen pals. Please let's not have emails going back and forth for an eternity - unless you are hoping that one day we will publish Volumes I and II of "Love in the Making - The Story of Us."

So I propose a timeline - you/I wink, I/you email an introductory message, the message is returned, there's interest. In the next round or two of emails the phone numbers are exchanged and are shortly thereafter put into use. Following a successful phone conversation a first meeting (yes, a meeting, not a date) is set, and we meet. If all goes well, I'd be happy to continue to receive many more emails from you.

Your Name Is?

So let's be honest, when browsing through numerous profiles of available men (mostly available, b/c some are mysteriously separated but apparently are in hurry to find someone for the moment), one of the first things to catch attention are their photos and their names. I'll leave the photos for the next time, so let's talk about names.

Naming your profile is like coming up with a book title - it has to say something about who you are, be catchy, creative, and stand out. There are plenty of the standard name+city, or name+birth year, name+occupation profiles (having dr or law is quite popular and prestigious).

Some profile names, however, send me directly to the "delete" key. If you have words like baby, big, 69, Jesus, daddy in your name, we're not a match. Having creative abbreviations and perhaps intentional misspellings can be amusing - who can't use a brain teaser once in a while, right?

So here's the assignment. Go back to your profile, look at your name and ask yourself what is the first impression that it gives about you. Would it catch your attention?

Love is on Sale

I have a hard time not buying things on sale - sometimes even if they are not a perfect fit. "But you are saving 20-30-40-50%," says a voice in my head. And I listen. When match sent me an email announcing that love was on sale, who was I to say no? And so begins (again) my adventure in the world of Internet dating.

The rules:
I have joined match with a 6-month-guarantee. So unless I meet someone or screw up the rules, I have a whole year to find *the one*. As long as I keep my profile up and open and available for viewing (scrutiny, judging, drooling), and contact 5 members of the fellow Internet-dating tribe, I should be ok.

Let the dating begin/continue.